I can’t pass over an infomercial as I’m flipping through the channels. Even if I hover on the station for a few seconds, it doesn’t get the quick-flip treatment that many stations will get. It at least will get some attention by me. Even if I have seen that infomercial a hundred times before. This is trouble for me because I am a very impulsive person.

So let me calm your impulses by letting you know what I think of the costly crap that I have bought (okay, some of it is actually pretty cool).

Ronco Food Dehydrator

Anthony and I ordered this late at night for 3 easy payments of $29.95 (now ONLY) 2 easy payments of $29.95 (plus $25.00 shipping and handling – which is absurd in itself). We wanted to order this guy to turn the Murphies from Flounders Produce Markets into dehydrated products we could sell. Murphies are the products that had to be taken off the shelves because they are too bruised or overripe. It was a great idea….

But it was so damn messy. They never show all of the prep work that goes into getting the fruits and vegetables (or beef) prepared to go into the dehyrdrator (or any other food product for that matter). You have to slice the food into tiny slivers so that they will dry properly and get crisp. This involves peeling the fruit first. You also need to soak the fruit into Orange Juice for both added flavor and to prevent browning of the fruit as it dries. So after peeling, slicing, and soaking, you place the fruit onto the trays and stack them high. You need to be careful what you put together because flavors will mix (due to drippage and proximity issues).

That’s what happens with “good” fruit. When you are dealing with Murphies, you need to cut all around the inedible areas. This takes sooooo much time and adds to the mess, tenfold. So it would take about 4 hours to prepare the trays. Then you wait for what, something like 48 hours, until the fruit gets crisp (or less time if you like it chewier).

This thing does actually work. And the dried food tastes pretty damn good. We never sold the fruit for obvious reasons (homemade doesn’t quite cut it for retail markets… we were young and had vivid imaginations and dreams, thinking that this would be a huge hit in the store). Instead we ate them at home.

So, when all is said and done… the dehydrated fruits took waaaaay too long to prepare, let alone dry out. And the mess took forever to clean (ever try to clean up spilt Orange Juice after 3 hours of sitting? Man, it’s stickier than stank manjuice). The Ronco Food Dehydrator lasted, and was used, for a good 30 days. A waste of money, indeed.

6 Second Abs

Okay okay, I gave in to this one. Fitness infomercials are the worst, and I do not enjoy watching them as much as the other fun gadgets. But on this one, the name caught me. 6 Seconds, eh? Well I surfed the net looking for a cheaper price (no impulses this time). But I couldn’t find anything cheaper. I ordered it from Walmart online. It got shipped here a few days later, and whomp – still haven’t used it too much. And this was months ago. I am too lazy with this thing to even watch the DVD that came with it. I have tried it all of maybe 10 times. I bought it thinking I could get done in 6 seconds… that would be clutch. But noooope. This is just a machine that clicks as you do your sitting crunch. The clicks are supposed to take 3 seconds down, 3 seconds up.

It sounds like a good idea, in theory, because technique is so important in lifting and fitness. But man am I fucking lazy. I can’t my ass upstairs to watch the DVD since I only have a VCR downstairs in my room. So intead, I do work out for just those 6 seconds, claiming to myself that that’s the correct technique. Can I hear an AMEN?

So it cost me $60.00. I still think I will use it once I can watch the damn DVD in private. Maybe. From the little I worked on it (for about 15 minutes a time), I found the resistance to be minimal on the sucker. They offer an upgradable “red” band that doubles the resistance of the other bands – at another $30.00. How ludicrous is that! Just leads me to think that it’s a crapshoot. I did feel burn, but for my fat ass who doesn’t work out at all (except minimal dumbell work) I still only felt a little burn. For someone in a shape other than pear, this may not be such a hot deal. But someone not mirroring my physique probably does *real* crunches, which nothing beats (so says Juice).